Why you’re stuck in Grief and how to get unstuck
Hello! My name is Nikki. I relocated myself and my therapy practice back to Michigan in 2023 after practicing for 16 years out in Connecticut. There, I built a private practice supporting young widows, survivors of suicide loss, orphaned adults, and other grievers who found themselves struggling in the aftermath of loss. What you’re about to read became one of my most popular blog posts, with OVER 3,100 reads!
Grief is hard work… I know, the understatement of the year, right But, do you know what makes the work of grief even harder??? Guilt, shame, self-judgment, and internalized criticism from others.
Guilt in grief is focused on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, feeling “bad” for something we did.
Shame focuses on the whole self, not just that I did something bad, but “I am bad." Self-judgment is rarely constructive in grief. It’s often negative in nature and demands punishment. You tell yourself you’re too much of something or not enough of something else. And others, however well-meaning, will tell you how you *should* grieve (and implied, what they think you’re doing wrong), but be careful not to internalize outside judgment or criticism.
No matter the quality of your relationship with your loved one who died, you’re not immune to the universal grief process.
Our minds may be affected by shock and confusion, painful and overwhelming sadness, yearning, longing, and anxiety. Our bodies by disrupted sleep, fatigue, loss of energy, and our behaviors by social withdrawal and changes in appetite.
While the experience of grief is universal, it’s also unique to you and influenced by your own life experience. And that life experience includes the relationship you had with your loved one. When relationships are complicated or strained, the emotions in grief get more complicated too.
The following are a few types of relationship circumstances and complications that influence the grief process:
When your deceased loved one was abusive
When your deceased loved one was controlling or overbearing
When your deceased loved one was troubled by mental illness
When your deceased loved one struggled with addiction
When there has been estrangement in the relationship
When your deceased loved one was plagued by a chronic and disabling illness
When any of the above circumstances or complications were present in your relationship with your deceased loved one, you may have experienced one or more of the following emotions. The purpose in writing this post today is to normalize these emotions that tend to be silenced by guilt, shame, self-judgment and fear of judgment from others. But the reaction you or others have to them makes them no less real or valid. You are not alone.
RELIEF. That you no longer have to worry about their health or safety, that you no longer have to worry about getting that dreaded call that something bad happened to them, or that they’re no longer suffering from a debilitating illness (physical health condition, mental illness, or addiction).
EMANCIPATION. When your loved one was controlling, heavy-handed, or overbearing in important aspects of your life, a feeling of emancipation from their power, control, or restraint can arise in grief.
ABSOLUTION. When you constantly felt guilty, not good enough, that you were not doing enough, or frequently were told you were did something bad, weren’t good enough, didn’t do enough, or internalized blame for perceived slights that your loved one verbalized, feeling absolved of guilt can arise in grief.
HOPE. Coupled with relief, emancipation, and absolution can be a feeling of hope for a better future. A future where you no longer have to worry about their health, relapse of illness, or safety. Or a future where you no longer feel trapped, controlled, or under someone’s thumb.
LIBERATION. Feeling liberated from emotions that existed in the relational dynamic with your loved one like high levels of anxiety, fear, worry, or ironically guilt (e.g. for not doing enough) and shame (e.g. for not being enough).
SERENITY. The Serenity Prayer starts like this: “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” In grief, serenity can arise over time leading to inner peace, calm, and a figurative letting go of the less healthy parts of your relationship with the deceased.
On the flip side, we can also experience other less savory thoughts and feelings toward the deceased that we may feel uncomfortable expressing openly. Why? Because we’re taught to not “speak ill of the dead,” and to honor, pay tribute, and memorialize the dead while not speaking of their faults.
But here’s the thing. No one is perfect in life, so why should they be in death?
And, in certain circumstances, placing the dead on a pedestal can be harmful to those left behind. Normal thoughts and feelings that deserve to be voiced including feelings of resentment, blame, accountability, and anger. You’re allowed to be angry and disappointed that your relationship can never improve or be repaired, that you’ll never know what could have been, and at all the lost opportunities, and lost conversations.
Guilt and Grief
Guilt is focused on thoughts, feelings, behavior- “I thought, felt, or did something bad.” Humans are flawed. None of us are perfect, in life or in death. But we tend to put our loved ones on pedestals after they die. By doing so, we tend to focus on their good qualities while ignoring their bad ones and allowing our more socially acceptable emotions in grief while ignoring or pushing away those that we don’t give ourselves permission to feel or worry that others will judge us for.
Guilt and Shame in Grief
Shame is focused on the self- “I am bad.” Feeling shame can mean feeling and believing that we are flawed and therefore, unworthy of love, belonging, and connection with others. Grief is such a painful, lonely and isolating time for so many people. The last thing anyone needs in grief is to not only feel shame for the way they think or feel but because of that shame, feel unworthy of love, belonging, or connection when they’re already feeling lonely and isolated in grief.
How does Judgment get in the way of our grief?
Self-judgment is rarely constructive in grief. It’s often negative in nature and demands punishment. When you tell yourself you’re too much of something or not enough of something else, you punish yourself by thinking you’re not doing it right, you’re not perfect or not good enough, you’re moving forward too quickly or not soon enough, and on and on I could go, endlessly. If you’re already feeling some level of guilt and/or shame, you don’t need to layer on judgment too, they all serve to worsen and prolong your suffering and pain. Instead, what if you told yourself you’re exactly where you need to be in this moment?
How does criticism get in the way of our grief?
People will tell you how you should grieve (e.g. you’re too emotional or not expressing your emotions enough, you got rid of their things too quickly or are holding on to them too long), how you should feel (don’t cry, get over it, let it go), and what you should do. Your only job here is to be careful not to internalize outside judgment, criticism, or those “shoulds.” Your grief is like your DNA, uniquely you. It may be easy for others to judge from the outside, but they’re not in your shoes. And what’s right for them is not necessarily what’s right for you.
How to deal with Guilt and Shame in Grief:
“When we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find a way through the pain… [and] when we name and own hard feelings, it does not give them power, it gives us power.” -Brene Brown
Give your thoughts and feelings permission to be. Your feelings are REAL and VALID. And they exist whether or not we want them to, even those emotions we don’t *want* to feel or those we don’t think we *should* feel. Avoiding them doesn’t make them go away.
Observe, don’t judge. Instead of judging yourself for thinking or feeling a certain way, do your best to simply observe it, without judgment. “I had a thought or a feeling” instead of “I had a *bad* thought or a feeling I *shouldn’t* have.”
Practice self-compassion. The practice of treating ourselves like we would a good friend, self-compassion has three core areas: self-kindness (being as caring toward ourselves as we are toward others), common humanity (recognizing that we all have flaws and make mistakes), and mindfulness (being present in any given moment and allowing all thoughts, emotions, and sensations to enter our awareness without resistance or avoidance).
Think in terms of both/and rather than either/or. For example, my [person who died] was good in [these ways] and they could have improved in [those ways] rather than they’re all good/right or all bad/wrong. We’re BOTH whole people AND not one-dimensional.
Give your thoughts, feelings and emotions a voice and a place. Because of guilt and shame associated with some of our emotions in grief, we tend to keep them to ourselves. Who’s one person you can trust to share some of these painful thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism?
Grief Counseling in Ann Arbor, Michigan
Hi, I’m Nikki. A graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 17+ years of experience. In my online therapy practice, I support adults in the aftermath of life’s seismic events, including losing a loved one.
I hope these tips and strategies help you find the right therapist in Ann Arbor or across Michigan. Interested in learning more about me? Reach out to me to schedule your FREE 15-minute phone consultation today.